Picture this: you’re in bed with your sexual partner, and suddenly, the dreaded performance anxiety hits.

Been there?

Well, as a sex therapist, let me tell you, it’s more common than you might think. People get so wrapped up in trying to perfect sex, they forget it’s more about feeling through it and connecting with your sex partner, rather than ticking off a checklist of ‘shoulds.’

Let’s debunk a major myth. Ever stress about achieving an orgasm, being wet enough, or having penetrative sex (even if you don’t want to)? These are some classic signs of performance anxiety.

Unfortunately, when you put all your energy into these performance goals, it can backfire—big time. Instead of fireworks, you probably end up even further away from your goals.

Why?

Because when you’re anxious about hitting those targets, your body and mind go into a stress response, activating your sympathetic nervous system, and deactivating your sexual functioning.

So, the stress of meeting (or not meeting) your goal ends up killing your chances of getting to that very goal. Ironic right? Not to mention frustrating!

The answer is simple—we can’t approach sex like we approach our jobs. Trying harder will not get you closer to the goal. Good sex operates in a very different way. Relaxing is key.

Now, for the good news. Research led by Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz has uncovered what makes sex truly great. And—no surprise— it’s not about those performance stats.

These key qualities make the difference:

1. Being present, focused and embodied – Fully engaging in the moment and being in tune with your body and your partner.
2. Connecting and being in sync with your partner – Establishing a mutual rhythm and emotional connection.
3. Sharing deep sexual and erotic intimacy – Having a deep level of intimacy that goes beyond the physical act.
4. Great communication and a high level of empathy – Open, honest communication and understanding your partner’s feelings and needs.
5. Authenticity, transparency and no inhibitions – Being genuine and uninhibited, showing your true self.
6. Transcendence, bliss, peace, and healing – Creating a transformative experience.
7. Exploration, taking risks, and having fun – Embracing novelty and adventure in your sexual activities.
8. Vulnerability and surrender – Letting go of fear and allowing yourself to be vulnerable and surrender to the experience.

It often comes down to movies, media, or porn, which all portray the idea that sex always goes smoothly.

That’s why, when anxiety creeps in, we try to push through and act as though nothing is wrong. Unfortunately, this usually ends in disappointment.

What if, instead of soldiering on, you leaned into how you genuinely felt? This might involve slowing down, communicating your feelings of overwhelm, or shifting to less intense activities like kissing.

Yes, being real and vulnerable can lead to better sex than pretending to be a flawless lover. Great sex isn’t about reaching some mythical finish line. It’s about being present, connecting, and letting go of the pressure to perform. So, next time you find yourself stressed during sex, remember, it’s all about the journey, not the destination.

You ask, we answer. Send your relationship questions to [email protected], and one of our experts may just answer them in an upcoming column.